My 90-year-old partner’s children want his money, but don’t want to help with his care

Dear Moneyist,

I work full time and I am also the caregiver and power of attorney for my 90-year-old partner who lives with me in Virginia. His daughter lives in Pennsylvania and his son lives in Florida. These children visit on occasion, but want no part in his care. They borrow money and don’t give it back.

Also see: I’m 65, my mortgage is paid off and I have $370,000 in savings, so why I am still worried about money?

I am resentful and angry that they don’t want to help. He is still pretty independent, but has short-term memory loss. I have tried family conference calls, but the last one was a disaster. His daughter said she would go on vacation with her father, but wouldn’t take him to a doctor’s appointment.

How can I deal with my anger and my partner’s adult children’s selfishness? And how can I make sure that my partner has enough money to care for himself when the time comes? And still take care of myself? I know it’s a two part question. Everyone tells me to forget his children, but I can’t.

Angry caregiver in Virginia

Dear Angry,

The time you have left with your partner is limited.

You rightly feel stressed about his care resting on your shoulders alone, and you may likely be experiencing a lot of fear about the deterioration of his health. You love this man, after all. Rather than processing those anxieties, you could be turning them into anger towards his children.

You love him and he loves you, and I can’t imagine what it would be like to deal with this alone. It’s a huge amount of financial and emotional stress. Studies show that women are the ones who are caregivers for family members, and they

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